At the beginning of each semester I reel from run-ons, grow faint from fragments, but more than that is the ship of despair launched by the lack of imagination, the lack of interest and the lack wonder. I want to ask, "Why are you here?"

I know, they've been told a college degree will lead to higher pay, that it's all about some future job. I think this is where we steer them wrong. College should be less about the job and more about learning, discovering, mastering. It should never be about the end but about the process.

I'm new to teaching, and after four semesters I'm thinking about walking away. I feel disheartened, and more than a little hamstrung. When did grammar become so outmoded, so yesterday? My guided curriculum has weeded out as much grammar and writing that's possible in an English class. What do I teach you may ask? Watered down critical thinking and watered down semiotics, how to read your textbooks without really reading them. My students, zero attention span, zero tolerance for anything unrelated to that future post college job, how do I help them jump ship from degrees=dollar signs to real learning? I think these courses are failing them, which means I, in turn, am failing them.

When I was in high school, I was told college wasn’t for me. Specifically, I was told my ideal job would be mortician. The test my high school advisor gave me, which supposedly matched personalities to jobs, couldn’t have known that in the fifth grade my class took a tour of Steinke’s funeral home, and when we arrived at the embalming area I passed out. The test also told me that the military might be an option. I chose the military, but with an eye on the prize, money for college. Regardless of whether or not college was for me (there was no way to pay for it at the time), I wanted it. I was thirsty for it, and when I got it, it was everything I wanted it to be, terrifying, challenging, exciting. I wanted to know everything.

It’s not important to know everything now. It’s more important to have an opinion, or better yet, it’s more important to have someone else’s opinion. I remember my first moment of triumph in college, shaking with nerves but entering class discussion anyway, being part of that exchange of ideas and wading chest deep in the text. It was thrilling. I thought THIS, this is learning. If my students can’t find it on Google or Wikipedia, it’s not worth knowing. If I want their opinion, I can count on receiving any number of random opinions copied from CNN, late night talk shows, random pop stars, various friends and relatives, and anyone with a blog, a MySpace or Facebook page, or Twitter account. They don’t need to know stuff or have an opinion because all of that is just a click away.

My students are all involved in the arts: fine arts, photography, animation, etc. and that these students lack imagination disturbs me. Yes this is a core course, a writing course, but they come at my courses with the weariness of factory workers five years from retirement. They shun freedom and crave parameters. Give them the opportunity to choose their paper topic, and they freeze. I get a chorus of, "What do you want us to do?" They want me to tell them what to write, how to write it, and if possible they would like me to write it for them. The irony is that when they have parameters they completely disregard them or claim they don't understand them. They never ask questions.

I take that back, they ask one question. What's my grade? They want to know because grades=degrees that=dollar signs.

My students consume their courses like the good capitalists that they are. Why should courses be different than anything else bought or sold? They want it cheap and fast. Getting their money’s worth isn’t about acquiring knowledge, but about acquiring that piece of paper at the end. We’ve convinced them of that. A college degree equals a better job and more money. No one ever says going to college is this amazing opportunity for you to try things on, to explore, to learn, to discover your passion and nurture it. We’ve made it about the money, and so it’s about the money.

I didn't anticipate the soul sucking after effects of teaching.